is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
