last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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