The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
