I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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