the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
