"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
It's not a walk of shame if you run
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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