Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
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