On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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