i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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