If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
did i walk over a car last night?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
