I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
My liver just had a heart attack.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
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