it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
