also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Randomize
