I didn't shave. On purpose
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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