My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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