I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
