you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize