I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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