I accidentally burped into my bong.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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