the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
