using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize