there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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