i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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