It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Randomize
