you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
