I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
