sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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