Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
