Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
How does one acquire holy water?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize