what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
