I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Welp...herpes.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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