I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
