btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
