I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
