Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
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