why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
did i just pee glitter
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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