I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
