I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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