Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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