if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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