dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
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