alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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