you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
