I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Randomize
