Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
