hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
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