Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
