there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
