I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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