omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
