This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
