I wish my penis had an off switch
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
