yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
